Four kids, and other pregnancy ramblings

As most everyone knows by now, Josh and I are expecting our fourth child in April. For the first time we are feeling the weight of that question that we've been able to avoid for so long:

 

Are you done?

 

I always knew I would have at least four kids if God were to bless me with them. WHy?

I couldn't have just one, because an only child is usually spoiled rotten, and needs a sibling to play with. That's not always the case, but I'm not a good enough mom to control myself, and I'd spoil my child rotten.

I couldn't have just two, because everyone else has two, and I wouldn't get any sympathy for the mess my life is (your house is a mess? It shouldn't be, you only have 2 kids - get it together! You look like crap? Why? You only have two kids to deal with)

I couldn't have 3, because I don't want a middle child. Not all middle children have issues, but mine would.

 

But if you have 4 or more children, life is a party. When things go well, people think you are super-mom, and when they don't, well, it's just expected because "poor thing, you have your hands full"

 

So here she is - baby #4 (We don't know the sex, but we're assuming she's a she).

Instead of posting the profile pic, here is the scary frontal view of my little baby! Creepy little skeleton head :)

But... Are we done?

 

I think I am writing this post to convince myself that I am done... though in reality I won't seriously consider it until my fourth baby is happy and healthy in my arms and I can look at her and feel comfortable that she is my last.

From the beginning, when Josh and I developed our 10-year plan for our family - yes, we're both engineers - we decided to have 4 children because of logistics and practicality. Everything evens out. With 4 kids, everyone has a window seat in the car. At amusement parks everyone has a buddy to ride with. On airplanes we split up 3 & 3, and in hotel rooms its 2 to a bed with the sofabed.  If you add another child to this, the degree of complexity increases to a level that I am not comfortable with.

 

Though the real reason I want to feel like I am done is because I have realized, especially in this first trimester, that I am not a great mom to my other children when I am pregnant.

I am TIRED. I can't keep up with the chores and picking up after the girls like I used to. And the worst part is that I haven't been as available to my kids. Every afternoon when Scarlett naps is usually my special time with Claire. We play games or make pictures, but lately I have used my special time with Claire to just rest. And bless her heart, one time I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to see that she had put her "cozy blanket" over me and snuggled up next to me for a nap too. I love her so much.

I also have a SHORT temper. Sadly it rears its ugly face toward the people I love most - my husband and my girls. They have gotten a little used to it now, as one night I was angry with Lydia for taking so long to get ready for bed, and she just smirked and said "Mom, sometimes when you yell I just ignore you because I know you don't mean it." Ugh. I couldn't help but smile at my defeat.  I've definitely apologized too many times to that girl.  

I am also unreasonably EMOTIONAL. I don't like for my girls to see me cry, but its happened too much lately. I mean, heck, I cried watching 3:10 to Yuma the other day, which is a western, for cryin out loud. I'm a mess!

 

So yes, I think we may be done. When we have four beautiful little girls and are tempted to try one more time for a boy... I will come and read this post. And I will be so grateful for the little angels that are my daughters right now and will want to move forward and focus on being a great mom for them.